Here are some jokes and videos to give you a giggle this Christmas....
🎄What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
🎄Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.
🎄Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
🎄Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
🎄Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.
🎄Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.
🎄Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
🎄Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.
🎄What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
🎄Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
🎄How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.
🎄Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.
🎄How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve.
🎄How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.
🎄Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.
🎄Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out.
🎄How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.
🎄How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.
🎄Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford.
🎄Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: 'SHUT UP.'
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
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