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Ho Ho Ho!! Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Here are some jokes and videos to give you a giggle this Christmas....
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Some Christmas Cracker Jokes….

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What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

🎄Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.

🎄Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

🎄Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

🎄Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.

🎄Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.

🎄Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

🎄Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.

🎄What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

🎄Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
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Some Words of Wisdom…..

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Some Christmas Cracker Jokes….

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How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.

🎄Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.

🎄How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve.

🎄How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.

🎄Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.

🎄Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out.

🎄How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.

🎄How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.

🎄Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford.

🎄Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery.
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Some Words of Wisdom…..

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: 'SHUT UP.'
Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

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