A Page to keep you smiling during the Coronavirus Pandemic
The Pope leans over to Trump and says, "Do you know, with one hand gesture I can make every person in that crowd go wild with joy?
And, whenever they think of this day they will smile, and their hearts will sing with joy."
"I seriously doubt that" replied Trump. "Even I might not be able to do that!
All with one hand gesture? Go on, show me."
So, the Pope slapped Trump's face.
Must I go down to the shop again,
To the empty shop and the queue?
All I ask is a quiche lorraine
And something for the dog to chew...
And a bottle of milk and a jar of jam
Some fruit would be good and a leg of lamb...
And while I am there I could get some cake,
They won't have flour so I can't bake.
The coffee is low and I'd like some bread
When you're bored in lock-down you have to be fed.
The more I think the longer the list
And I know there will be some thing I've missed.
So I must go down to the shop it seems
To satisfy these gourmet dreams
It's a lonely walk but we must keep apart
In the shop I can use my shopping cart
If they get too close I give them hard shoves
I look like an alien in my mask and gloves
And then I see the beer and wine:
Those bottles fill my trolley fine
A great big load of wine and beer
Will fill my tipsy life with cheer
And all I ask is an orange juice to help tomorrow's hangover
And a quiet life and a chocolate mousse when the lock-down's over.
There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.
Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.
Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.
It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!
Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!
By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over Manly Beach.
Tower (Female voice): “Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I'm going to have to hold you over the Manly area.”
Cessna WYXD: “I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: “I'm f...ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:”Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
A RE-SET YOUR PASSWORD TALE
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50DAMNboiled cabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use consecutive upper case characters.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
A CUMMINGS - A long drive that goes out of bounds but does not receive any penalty.
If you are a golfer than you are entitled to claim this, it is not illegal, and you will not be prosecuted by the Police.
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
OK I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
OK! That’s what I want ...
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
What? I detest vegetables!
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know!
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL!
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it
~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?
~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
~ I run like the winded.
~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to file and paint, roots to dye, eye-lashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life !
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst Apocalypse Ever.
You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road . . . . doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious ?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what ?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us ? Asking for myself ...
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
Enjoy your day. You don't have anything else to do.
walked a beautiful golden retriever which promptly climbed onto their
settee, curled up and went to sleep. After about two hours the dog
awoke, yawned and stretched and then barked to be let out. This scene
was repeated every afternoon for about a week and half which intrigued
the couple. So they decided to attach a note to the dog's collar, there
was no identifying tag, which read. "Your dog has been coming regularly
to sleep for a couple of hours and then he asks to be let out and
wanders off. Could you please help us out here?" The next day the dog
arrives at the usual time with a note on his collar which reads, "The
dog's name is Sebastian and he lives in house with 5 young children aged
between 10 months and 6 years. CAN I COME TOO"
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has traveled the world; swum with sharks,
wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft
if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin' into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all
her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and
realized she was just on standby.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were £40!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!
Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?... I think it has a virus...
Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
Where is your next travel destination?
- Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomes
- Porto Gardenas
- Los Bed
- Costa del Balconia
- St Bathroom
- La Rotonda de Sofa
You’re not stuck at home, you're safe at home.
Has two parts of brain"
"left" and "right"
In the left side, there's nothing right
And in the right side,there's nothing left
« At last, we have a cure for all!
Ailments large and ailments small,
Good health is not beyond my reach,
If I inject myself with bleach.
Radiant, I’ll prance along,
Every trace of limescale gone,
With disinfectant as my friend,
Like him, I’m clean around the bend »
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime - fishing.
I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner who, it turned out, loves fishing as much as I do. We quickly became "fishin' buddies."
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.
Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen, but only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
P.S. Enclosed below is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.
You have a narrow-minded wife.
Those are two very nice fish!
je ne sais même pas où c'est.
L' ouverture d'esprit
n'est pas une fracture du crâne.
Je n'ai jamais abusé de l'alcool,
il a toujours été consentant.
Si vous parlez à Dieu, vous êtes croyant...
S'il vous répond, vous êtes schizophrène.
5 fruits et légumes par jour, ils me font marrer...
Moi, à la troisième pastèque, je cale.
L'alcool tue, mais combien sont nés grâce à lui ?
Un jour j'irai vivre en Théorie,
car en Théorie tout se passe bien.
La médecine du travail est la preuve
que le travail est bien une maladie !
Le Lundi, je suis comme Robinson Crusoé,
IKEA est le meilleur prénom pour une femme :
suédoise, bon marché, à emmener aussitôt chez soi et facile à monter.
Dieu a donné un cerveau et un sexe à l'homme
mais pas assez de sang pour irriguer les deux à la fois.
La lampe torche.
Le PQ aussi.
La pression, il vaut mieux la boire que la subir.
Jésus changeait l'eau en vin...
et tu t'étonnes que 12 mecs le suivaient partout !
Si la violence ne résout pas ton problème,
c'est que tu ne frappes pas assez fort.
Travailler n'a jamais tué personne mais pourquoi prendre le risque ?
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a big nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could stay the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
In morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the Lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
So I went to have a look,
I found it with the shutters down
And the phone was off the hook.
So I stood there for a little while
But no one was around,
Then silence came and startled me
With the most alarming sound.
I asked him where the others were,
And why the streets were bare,
He whispered ‘Life had ran away
While death was playing there’
‘Oh no’ I said ‘It can’t be true
For life is not afraid’
‘But no one ever goes’ he said
‘Where death has ever played.’
I understood and walked away
As Hope was standing there
With Courage in her afterglow
And the sunlight in her hair.
She said ‘Go home to those you love
This is no place to be,
For if we walk these streets today
Then no one shall be free’.
She threw her light to lead the way
And showed me where to go,
The very road that life had gone
Where the future flowers grow.
Then death showed me another way
But I didn’t want to look,
So I stumbled home in time for tea
And I read another book.
It was called The World is Closed Today
And the streets we shouldn’t roam,
The first line said ‘Just please be safe’
And the ending - ‘Stay at Home’
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.
You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.
They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old;
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.
We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60s -
If you only knew the truth!
There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.
Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?
We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!
So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!
It didn't really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.
At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!
So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.
We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
Author: Pam Ayres
The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
“Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there"
They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.
The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Tesco either!"
Carole, une jeune fille blonde de la ville, a épousé Albert, un producteur laitier aveyronnais.
Un matin, Albert dit à Carole :
- L'homme de l'insémination va venir pour inséminer une de nos vaches aujourd'hui. J'ai placé un clou dans l'étable au-dessus de la crèche de la vache à inséminer. Tu lui montreras où est la vache quand il arrivera ici, OK ?
Puis l'agriculteur part pour les champs.
Après un certain temps, l'homme pour l'insémination arrive et frappe à la porte d'entrée. Carole l'emmène jusqu'à l'étable. Ils marchent le long de la ligne des vaches, et quand elle voit le clou, elle lui dit :
- Voilà ! C'est cette vache.
Très impressionné par sa compétence, alors qu'il pensait avoir affaire à une blonde naïve, l'homme lui demande :
- Dites-moi Madame, comment savez-vous que c'est elle, la vache à inséminer ?
- C'est simple, c'est parce qu'un clou est au-dessus de sa place, lui explique Carole.
Etonné, l'homme demande :
- Pourquoi un clou ?
Et la blonde répond très simplement :
- Je suppose.....que c'est pour accrocher votre pantalon.
Un avion de la Sabéna vole en direction de l'aéroport de Roissy-Charles de Gaulle. Soudain la tour de contrôle lui dit : « Donnez votre position, donnez votre position?. » Et le pilote belge répond : « Je suis assis devant à gauche dans l'appareil. »
On vient de nous apprendre une triste nouvelle. Un Belge serait mort noyé en tentant de s'assoir sur un banc de poissons...
Un Français, un Américain et un Belge discutent : - « Aux USA, le record en apnée est de 8 mn 52. » - « Ce n'est rien », dit le Français, « notre plongeur a tenu 11 mn 30». - « Chez nous, une fois », dit le Belge, « on ne sait pas encore, car le nôtre est descendu l'an passé, mais il n'est toujours pas remonté. »
Une vieille dame belge est hospitalisée. A son arrivée, une infirmière lui demande : - « Quel est le nom du médecin qui vous suit ? »
Et la vieille dame répond : « Vous voyez bien que je suis venue seule ! »
Un jour sans rire est un jour perdu.
1 Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half with a drinking problem
2. I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune, now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
3. I need to practise social distancing with the refrigerator
4. I still haven't decided where to go for my holidays - the living room or the bedroom
5. Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
6. I don't think anyone expected when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Greenwich Mean Time to the Twilight Zone
7. This morning, I saw my neighbour talking to her cat again. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. When I got back into the house, I told my dog and we both laughed.
8. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
9. I'm so excited it's time to take out the wheelie bin. What should I wear?
10. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to "Puerto Backyarda" ‘cos I'm getting real tired of "El Livingroom"
11. Classified ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun
12. Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under....!!
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
- I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
- Still haven't decided where to go for a short break----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
- PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
- This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
- So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600-Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
- Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
- Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
- I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
- Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun
- Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
- Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under!
Paddy was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the Irishman.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So Paddy goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
Paddy was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, Paddy decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
If someone is standing less than 1.5 metres from you when they cough, that’s called a near cough. You need to tell them to farcough
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar’.
With the current rush to claim for things on ones insurance, business shut down, cancelled holidays, repatriation etc etc a simple question.
HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ?
You might not know that you can get sex insurance in the UK, so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
- Sex with your wife - legal and general
- Sex on the telephone - direct line
- Sex with your partner -standard life
- Sex with someone different - go compare
- Sex with a lady of generous proportions - more than
- Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's wheels
- Sex with a prostitute - commercial Union
- Sex with your maid -employers liability
- Sex with an OAP - Saga
- Sex resulting in pregnancy - general accident
- Sex with animals - National Farmers Union
- Sex with a monk- Abbey Life
- Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group
- Sex with a transvestite - confused. Com
Make sure you are adequately covered!!
1 . Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2 . Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5 . My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7 . I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11 . 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ' 'Is it common, doc?' 'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
13 . Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Oh, don't you start.'
14 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, so go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies,
'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' I thought that was nice.
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
“ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
“What are you doing?” He was asked.
“Working from home”
Which Cat Destroyed the Barn?
Une petite expérience valant mieux qu'un long discours, le curé décide qu'une démonstration donnerait plus de poids à son sermon du Dimanche.
Pour cela, il met quatre vers de terre dans quatre flacons :
- Le premier ver dans un flacon plein de Ricard,
- Le second dans un flacon plein de fumée de cigarette,
- Le troisième dans un flacon de sperme,
- Enfin le dernier, dans un flacon d'eau bien propre.
- A la fin de son sermon, le curé donne les résultats de son expérience
- Le premier ver dans le flacon de Ricard est mort.
- Le second, dans le flacon plein de fumée de cigarette, est mort.
- Le troisième, dans le flacon de sperme, est mort
- Le dernier, dans le flacon d'eau bien propre, VIT toujours.
- Le curé demande donc à l'assemblée :
- Quels enseignements pouvons-nous tirer de cette démonstration ?
- On entend alors la voix chevrotante de Mémé Rosalie du fond de l'église :
- "Tant qu'on boit, qu'on fume et qu'on baise, on n'aura jamais de vers" !
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Not me. I’m not a poet and I know it!
Apologies to Rabbie
TAE A VIRUS
Twa months ago, we didna ken yer name or ocht about ye
But lots of things have changed since then, I really must salute ye
Yer spreading rate is quite intense, yer feeding like a gannet
Disruption caused is so immense, ye've shaken oor wee planet
Corona used to be a beer, they garnished it wae limes
But noo it's filled us awe wae fear, these days are scary times
Nae shaken hawns or peckin lips, it's whit they awe advise
But scrub them weel, richt tae the tips, that's how we'll awe survive
Just stay in the hoose, ye bide nae sneaking oot for strolls
Just check the lavvy every hoor and stocktake your loo rolls
Oor holidays have been pit aff, noo that's the jet 2 patter
Pit on yer thermals, have a laugh and paddle doon the 'water'
Canaries Isles no for a while, nae need for suntan cream
And awe because o this wee bug we ken to be ......19
The boredom will set in, but have a read or doodle
Or plan yer menu for the month wi 95 pot noodles
When these run oot, just look aboot a change ,it would be nice
We've beans and pasta by the ton and twenty stane o rice
So dinny think ye'll wipe us oot, aye true a few have died
Bubonic, bird flu and TB, they came, they left, they tried
Ye might be gallus noo my freen, as ye jump far cup to cup
But when we get the vaccine made, yer number will be up
ML Computers, Jason Khan
3 rue de la Motte, 85400 LAIROUX, France
Tel: 02 51 28 43 98 Mobile: 06 82 49 61 60
Siret: 492 436 779 00028